


querencia

by hyuncinth



Category: PRISTIN (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Depression, F/F, Homophobia, I'm Sorry, Self Confidence Issues, Strangers to Lovers, jieqiong is really sad, past emotional abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2019-11-15 21:52:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18081581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuncinth/pseuds/hyuncinth
Summary: Perfection is something many of us strive to achieve. It helps people set goals and have good results. But if perfection is the only thing that’s deemed as acceptable and it’s at the expense of selling your soul, is it really worth it?If Jieqiong stares at herself in the mirror, she can see the cracks within her skin and she’s so inevitably close to falling apart.Perfection isn’t everything. But it’s all Jieqiong has ever been forced to be.





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/xb040d3x09up3x2qhwuhjrze7/playlist/3xQIcCirsDyYdXpeewMdHL?si=GS2O1AHXQomFwFDWPPagEg)

_QUERENCIA_

_(n.) a place from which one’s strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self._

 

 

 

For as long as Jieqiong can remember, it’s been her goal to do her absolute best. Her mother enrolls her into dance classes and brings her over one sunny afternoon right after school is over. The studio is huge and the lights are so bright. Jieqiong’s tiny hands find themselves clinging onto the fabric of her mother’s shirt, who only responds with a small smile and nothing more. Her little princess was going to be a good dancer, just like she was. Jieqiong’s only seven years old when she picks up dancing and it’s been in her life ever since then. It’s the worst thing that has come into her life.

 

The first set of practices are fine. She learns the basics, repeats them, and surprisingly picks up on the techniques quickly. Her first showcase with her team is fun. They picked out songs that they liked and just as most people’s first competition goes, they end it feeling proud. Jieqiong can see the fond smiles her father and mother cast in her direction, cheering and whooping for their daughter like she’s the only kid on stage. And for awhile, it’s fun; dancing is fun.

 

With every competition and as each year goes by, the stakes seem to get higher and higher. It’s no longer about losing yourself to the beat and it’s more so about hitting every move with precision and accuracy, performing moves that require more skill and technique.

 

She’s 11 years old when the group chooses to do a song that at the time, had the most challenging choreography they’ve ever received. Which, doesn’t exactly seem like a bad thing. But all of a sudden, they’re practicing for the upcoming competition when the music comes to an abrupt stop. Jieqiong’s sweating and panting lightly for air but so is everyone else.

 

The sudden halt spurs confusion from everyone who had been dancing along to the choreography that they all _should’ve_ memorized. It _should’ve_ been memorized.

 

However, one of the members, Cheng Xiao, missed a step on the routine and the guilt had been etched all over her face when the music had been suddenly cut. The instructor stares at their reflections through the large mirror in front of them with a piercing gaze, making sure to lock eyes with Cheng Xiao, who only averts her eyes. The girl looks so incredibly small and her shoulders hunch inwards. Jieqiong almost feels bad. But then she realizes that they were all supposed to memorize the choreography and Cheng Xiao hadn’t done so. That means that it’s her own fault then, right?

 

“Again!”

 

The music gets reset.

 

Practice continues its grueling pace into the night and just when they’re about to call it quits, the instructor asks for one last run through. That should be no problem, Jieqiong thinks. Even if her arms and legs feel like they’re burning, one more run through wouldn’t kill her. Everyone else seems to be just as exhausted as she is, especially since they just sat down for a water break. Nonetheless, they all get into their respective positions and the music plays.

As the track runs its course, Jieqiong makes sure to put her everything into this last run through for the night. Her body moves along to the steps with a passion that she’s never felt before. The choreography runs smoothly. Until it doesn’t.

Jieqiong locks eyes with the instructor, who looks like she’s digging holes into her face and she falters; she misses a beat, and then another, and another. It feels like she can’t keep up; the way she stares at her makes her feel so… unbelievably small. It’s almost as if the instructor is scrutinizing every single detail of her movements. Thankfully, the song was basically over. Although, that doesn’t mean she’s off the hook.

Everyone gets dismissed and the parents rush in to pick up their children. Except for Jieqiong. Her mother needs to stay in and wait a little while she gets held back for a little.

 

“Miss Zhou,” the instructor clears her throat, “you have some work to do.”

 

She can only nod her head. “Yes, ma’am.”

 

“I’m sure you’ll be able to correct your mistakes before the next competition. If you don’t..”The instructor’s gaze flits over to her mother and they share a knowing look, “the team would be very disappointed.”

 

Her mother brings her out of the studio and drives them home in what feels like complete silence. It isn’t until they reach home that her mother says something.

 

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. Dad and I will make sure you do well this competition.”

 

“Thanks, Mom.” Oh, if only she knew what this would mean for her.

 

Practices change from just the weekends to everyday. Except this time, it isn’t just the instructor watching her movements. It’s her mother yelling at her from the sidelines. It’s her mother who picks at every little aspect of what she does in the routine. Jieqiong’s life becomes hell.

 

It feels like she’s living in some twisted nightmare that she can’t escape from. And it doesn’t stop at just dancing. Her mother insisted that she would be the best at everything, that included academics.

 

_“Hey, Mom. I’m ho--”_

 

_“What is this?” There’s a test paper being held up in front of her, a bright and red 96% written right beside her name._

 

_J_ _ieqiong’s eyes widen in panic; her mother wasn’t supposed to see that. “I-It’s my math test score from last week.” She stammers, “It’s bad but I can stil--”_

 

_“_ _Do you know how awful this score is? What have we talked about?” A disappointed, almost furious pair of eyes meet hers when she tilts her head up to make eye contact._

 

_“..Sorry.” She whispers, unable to even look at her mother._

 

_“Do better next time. This is unacceptable.” a beat. “Your father and I are very disappointed. We’ve done so much to make sure you succeed and this is what you give? We expected so much more from you.”_

 

Jieqiong wonders if this is how Cheng Xiao had felt. If it felt like there were thousands of eyes on her, and if it felt like it would better if the world would swallow her whole.

 

It’s at that moment, Jieqiong realizes that good isn’t good enough. All people want is for things to be absolutely perfect; there’s no room for error. And oh, people can hurt you. They’ll pick you apart “for your own good” and hide it under a false conception of love before tossing you away when perfect isn’t perfect enough.

 

It’s at that moment, Jieqiong wishes she didn’t learn how to dance at all.

 

  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah! this is my first fic i've done in awhile. i've been wrapped up in school and the xiwoo au but i've been wanting to write this for awhile so.. here it is sksksks. hope you enjoy uwu.
> 
>  
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> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/hyunhyerims)
> 
> [cc](http://curiouscat.me/sanatozakism)


	2. trying to pull yourself together when all you do is fall apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/xb040d3x09up3x2qhwuhjrze7/playlist/3xQIcCirsDyYdXpeewMdHL?si=GS2O1AHXQomFwFDWPPagEg)

The years go by in a torturous blur. Everyday had consisted of essentially the same schedule: wake up, go to school, go to dance practice, do homework, and sleep. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

 

With each passing day, the torment seemed to only worsen. Her legs were littered in bruises, a product from practicing; almost a physical reminder of how hard she has to exert herself in order to fit the tightening mold of what she’s “supposed” to be.

 

“Jieqiong~”

 

A voice pulls her out of her thoughts, forcing Jieqiong to hesitantly tear her eyes away from the novel in her hands and set it off to the side. “.....sup..?”

 

Cheng Xiao rolls her eyes. “You can’t just ‘sup’ me.”

 

“And why can’t I?”

 

A scoff. “You won a _solo_ competition last weekend and you didn’t even tell me? Me, Cheng Xiao, your best friend? I’m quite hurt, Jieqiong.” A hand is placed over her chest, as if she’s feigning offense.

 

Oh.

 

“I wouldn’t call it a win, necessarily…” she trails off, eyes averting to the now appealing tray of lunch food in front of her

 

“A win is a win! What are you talking about? We should totally celebrate!”

 

Cheng Xiao’s words make Jieqiong cringe a little. That last performance had been far from a win. She was a little late in entering when the music started, her form had been slightly more stiff than usual, not to mention the lack of gentleness required to even portray the right feelings into this particular routine--

 

“It just.. wasn’t my best performance.”

 

There’s a visible frown starting to take hold of the latter’s features due to Jieqiong’s response and she can see the way Cheng Xiao slowly shakes her head. “Oh, come on. You need to give yourself more credit. Skip practice today. The girls and I were thinking of hitting up a cafe or something later.”

 

Credit? What’s the point in giving herself credit when there was no credit due?

 

She forces a chuckle. “My mom would kill me if I skipped out on a practice.”

 

Cheng Xiao laughs so Jieqiong laughs along with her.

 

“Oh come on, it can’t be that bad. I’m sure she’ll understand. Besides, if you get in trouble, you can blame it on us.”

 

Maybe she deserves a break. Just this once.

 

 

 

\----

 

 

 

_“Who told you that you were allowed to miss a practice?”_

 

Jieqiong has to bite back a wince when her mother yells, instinctively curling into herself.

 

“Did you _really_ think you could take a break after that lackluster performance last weekend?”

 

_She shouldn’t have listened to Cheng Xiao._

 

“I didn’t.”

 

Her mother laughs in disbelief; she’s anything but amused. “Go practice. Your next performance should be absolutely showstopping if you think you want a break.”

 

She should have known she didn’t deserve that break.

 

“Yes, mom.”

 

“Don’t come back until you can do that performance with your eyes closed.”

 

And then, it’s back to the studio. Back to practicing and sweating until she passes out, if she has to.

 

She stares at herself in the large mirror in front of her as she dances, trying to catch onto any mistakes as she does the same routine from the last week. Her eyebrows furrow in disgust at the sight of her own mistakes, teeth worrying themselves into her lower lip as she watches a recording of her practices, just in case she missed anything else she needed to improve on. The recording reveals so many more mistakes in the way she moves, reveals how badly she had to have done on stage due to all the nerves. In all honesty, she didn’t believe that she deserved to win. “Why would someone like me deserve a break?” She asks to the reflection in the mirror,  now seated in front of it with her legs folded neatly and tucked in.

 

Why would someone as stupid and talentless as her win? Does she even deserve to stand on stage?

 

There was nothing great about her performance, nothing at all. That much was evident from the blank stare of her mother in the crowd and her words just now.

“I have to get this right.” She mumbles, placing her hands on the floor behind her and pushing herself up despite her whole body screaming in protest.

Maybe if she finally makes this performance perfect, she’ll finally be enough for someone, anyone at all.

“Because if I get this right,” her lip quivers and her eyes start to water, “Maybe she’ll finally love me.”  

 

Jieqiong doesn’t sleep that night.

 

 

 

\----

 

 

 

By some miracle, she manages to graduate from high school, manages to temporarily liberate herself of the shackles that bind her for just a little while. Hell, she even gets into universities simply for dancing. Jieqiong should’ve felt accomplished; she should’ve felt like she’s done a good job. Except, she doesn’t.

 

Maybe it’s because the moment all the letters started flooding in, her parents already made the decision for her.

 

The dinner table that night is surprisingly quiet the night that they need to “make a decision”, even if she knows damn well that her parents wouldn’t give her a choice in the matter anyways. Jieqiong’s picking at the food on her plate with one of her chopsticks, back hunched over slightly as she does so. It’s awkward and painfully silent as everyone eats.

 

But then again, home hasn’t felt like home in a long time.

 

Her mother finally speaks up and it makes her panic briefly because she doesn’t really know what she’s done this time and the last thing she wants is to be yelled at again. What could she have possibly done wrong this time?

 

_Did I forget to clean something up? Maybe it was because I didn’t get into that one school even though everyone knows that it’s practically impossible to get in--_

 

“A dancer shouldn’t sit like that. It’s bad for your posture.”

 

Right.

 

Jieqiong mutters a quick apology and straightens her posture because she isn’t going to make her father watch her mother criticize her at the dinner table again.

 

They eventually do steer the conversation towards college, especially considering that tonight is when she assumes that they’re going to tell her where she’s headed. Not that she’s ever really had a choice in the matter.

 

“Seoul National University is a good place for you to be. You’ll get a good education.” There’s a smile gracing his features but Jieqiong can only force herself to smile and nod.

 

“Your father’s right. Korea would be a good fit for you, sweetheart.” Her mother says with that same taut smile she’s seen millions of times. There’s what could be viewed as an affectionate hand placed on her shoulder that only serves to make the hairs on the back of Jieqiong’s neck stand on edge.

 

It isn’t until the hand is retracted that she lets herself loosen up a little. However, you can never be too sure.

 

“You might even meet a nice and handsome boy to be your boyfriend.” she makes sure to add, earning a playful glare from her father.

 

 _What about a girlfriend?_ Jieqiong wants to ask. However, she knows she shouldn’t say such things. Her mother would probably threaten to disown her again, probably toss her off for the wolves to feast on because she’s already flawed enough. They don’t need her.

 

She’d probably yell at her again, and wonder just where she had gone wrong.

Maybe Jieqiong will get a boyfriend.

 

 

 

\----

 

 

 

Honestly, it was probably quite naive of Jieqiong to assume that college could serve as some sort of new start where she would suddenly turn her life around and she would be happy. In fact, it’s probably the opposite. She’s been thrust into a whole new country and while she can speak the language, it’s still hard to adjust.

It’s about 8:30 in the morning and class had barely begun. The lights are too bright for her liking and even from where she’s sitting, the chatter is too loud. Why did she decide to take morning classes again?

 

Jieqiong prefers sitting in the back during lectures, not because she doesn’t want to listen but because that way, she doesn’t have people staring at whatever’s on her laptop, because while she’s never doing anything shady, it’s still uncomfortable. At least in the back, she doesn’t have to worry about some nosy classmate peeking at her screen from behind. Besides, she typically drags herself in every morning, coffee in hand and groggy eyes as evidence of her lack of sleep from the previous night. Today is no different. At least, it didn’t seem like it was going to be.

Right in the middle of the lecture, Jieqiong assumes it is because she can’t be bothered to check the time, there’s the sound of a door slamming open that has her practically jumping up from her seat.

 

“Sorry, I’m late!” The loud voice of the person entering has her bringing her hands up to her ears. Who the hell can be this loud in the morning?

 

The professor only rolls his eyes in response. “So, you’ve finally decided to join us, Miss Jung?”

 

A soft laugh can be heard in response. “Yeah, I guess I have.”

 

How could someone be so.. Comfortable with being late? If Jieqiong’s late for class, she’s always stressing and the anxiety feels like it crawls up her throat when she has to explain why she didn’t arrive on time.

 

“How about you work on the project with…” The professor’s eyes wander around. “Jieqiong.” he finishes with a shrug, gesturing in her direction with his hands.

 

Great.

 

“I’m Jung Eunwoo! It’s nice to meet you.” She chirps, a wide grin on her face as she extends a hand. Eunwoo’s smile is bright, happy and Jieqiong feels like she almost has to squint while she looks at it. “Zhou Jieqiong. It’s nice to meet you too.”

 

By the end of the lesson, Jieqiong already knows way too much about Eunwoo. She discovers that she’s a philosophy major, what her favorite color is, where she’s from, etc. Jieqiong hasn’t met someone as bubbly and energetic as Eunwoo in awhile.

 

It’s almost exhausting but she decides that she likes the girl, for now.

 

“Oh! We should meet up at the library for the project and stuff! I’m not that good at math but.. I think we can make this work. Please just bare with me on this.” Eunwoo laughs, a sheepish hand moving to rub the nape of her neck.

 

Oh, God. Is she going to have to do all the work again?

“Sure. Uh, is 5 in the evening cool with you?”

 

Jieqiong can practically see the way the gears turn in Eunwoo’s head as she processes the question.

 

“..Yeah! I don’t have any classes during that time so all’s good with me!”

 

 

 

\----

 

 

 

Eunwoo wasn’t lying when she said that she wasn’t that great with math. While the girl did seem to be the type to screw around instead of getting any work done at all, she made sure to make it to every meeting. Plus, she was always on time.

 

And it’s not like Eunwoo isn’t trying or anything like that, that much is evident in how her eyebrows furrow and she scribbles down notes on the margins of her paper when she needs to remember something, so it works. Jieqiong does end up having to explain a lot of things about the assignment as they go along and it’s quite tedious, but it still goes rather smoothly.

 

Honestly, the Chinese girl expected that she would end up doing all the work herself again. Which, thankfully, hadn’t been the case this time around. It’s hard to find people who are willing to work with you, who actually _try_ to learn and make the work easier on both sides. Eunwoo’s good. Almost too good.

 

Jieqiong doesn’t think she’ll really stick around though. Most people resume their lives as if they had nothing to do with her and she doesn’t blame them. Who wants to hang around some foreign dance major like her anyway?

 

All she ever does is go to parties and get herself shitfaced to forget whatever bad things are haunting her like a coward. So, there’s really no reason for Eunwoo to want to hang out with her. Good things don’t happen to people like Jieqiong; she isn’t worthy of it.

 

Except the problem is: Eunwoo doesn’t go away. In fact, the next class rolls around and she just strolls right up to her and sits by her like it’s clockwork. “That project was an absolute nightmare.” She sighs, “So glad that’s over.”

 

“Uh,” Jieqiong starts, bewildered by her actions. “The project’s over so..”

 

“Mhm. That’s what I said.”

 

“So, you don’t have to sit with me anymore.”

 

Eunwoo pauses, clear confusion washing over her for a moment. “Well, yeah, I don’t have to sit next to you,” A pause. “I _wanted_ to! You’re chill. I like that.” She shoots her some cheesy finger guns and well, Jieqiong’s just confused.

 

“..Alright then.”

 

 

 

\----

 

 

 

Jieqiong’s never quite met someone like Eunwoo. She has friends, don’t get her wrong. They’re just so.. different from the way the mentioned girl acts: she’s loud, energetic, but sentimental at the same time? One minute, they’re watching a movie in her dorm and she’s laughing but in the next second, she’s getting all soft and nostalgic on her. It’s so different but refreshing in its own unique sense.

 

“What are your plans for this weekend?” Eunwoo had asked digging into the bowl of popcorn in her lap.

 

Jieqiong shrugs, “I dunno. There’s Kyungwon’s party. She says it’ll be fun and I’m friends with some of the people attending. But I’m not sure if I should go this time around.”

 

“Oh please, you’re friends with _everyone_ at these kinds of functions,” Eunwoo playfully rolls her eyes, “or is hook ups a better term for that?”

 

Jieqiong casts an almost playful glare in her direction. It wasn’t like she always brought someone back with her.. It just happened more often than not.

 

Eunwoo takes notice of the glare and puts her hands up in an attempt to feign some sort of innocence, “But hey, I’m probably going… You should come too! Maybe I could introduce you some of my other friends.”

 

A snort. “You have other friends?”

 

“I-- You’re an asshole.” She glares.

 

A smug grin tugs at the corners of Jieqiong’s lips. “And you’re surprised because..?”

 

One thing leads to another and somehow, they’re engaged in a pillow fight, as if they were 8 year olds all over again. Well, it was more like Eunwoo was smacking her with now of her white pillows from the bed but this feeling of happiness makes her heart swell a little. It’s terrifying. She clenches her fists and tries to wiggle away from Eunwoo’s grasp because she doesn’t deserve this kind of relief. She doesn’t deserve to feel this way when all she’s going to do is disappoint people, time and time again. And there’s always that possibility that Eunwoo just feels bad for her and only hangs out with her because of that.

 

If Eunwoo had noticed, she didn’t say anything. Instead, she keeps rambling about anything and everything under the sun. As much as she hates to admit it, Jieqiong’s growing fond of Eunwoo. She finds her presence nice and it’s the first time she’s really connected with anyone like this (anything she’s ever really had has only lasted for one night, and nothing more).

 

Eunwoo leaves and she decides that she can’t be in her dorm room any longer and she leaves for the dance practice rooms because she probably should be practicing right about now anyways.

 

When Jieqiong reaches the studio, it’s surprisingly empty (not that she’s complaining) and she takes the liberty of stretching a little before plugging in her phone to the speakers and hitting shuffle on one of her many spotify playlists.

 

It doesn’t take long for her to naturally fall into the beat. Her body moves smoothly, hitting the moves like it was all she ever knew. She probably looks dumb, dancing along to these kpop choreographies all by herself in a studio, but it’s nothing new. Even if this is just supposed to be for fun, she can’t help but stare at the large mirror in front of her, trying to catch any falters in her steps.

 

Because even if she’s thousands of miles away from her mother, it still feels like she’s breathing down her neck. She sees her mother in every wrong step, every wrong turn, in every bad test score. She’s _always_ there.

 

And sometimes, Jieqiong wishes her mother would apologize. Sometimes, she wishes she would realize that everything that’s been said hurts more than she can ever imagine. But then again, she’s never deserved any of the praise she’s gotten. The mirror is proof of that.

 

It must be fucked up, to be able to look in the mirror and only see a mistake. But Jieqiong can’t help it.

 

Sometimes, Jieqiong likes to think that her mother loves her, likes to pretend that she’s capable of caring for her just like every other mother would. But that isn’t the case.

 

She doesn’t love her. Maybe she thought she was being helpful, or thought that it made her a better person but it doesn’t. You don’t take the people you love and rip them apart while claiming to love them. You don’t tell your daughter that she’s a disappointment and that you wish she would get something right for once. That isn’t how being a parent works.

 

But maybe she deserves it. Maybe she deserves to feel this way because somewhere, deep in her mind, she believes her mother; she believes that everything she touches is bound to wither away and if she can’t even do a simple task, then what’s the point of being here?

 

It’s at that moment she realizes that maybe it’s better if her mother never says anything. You can apologize to the ripped paper on the ground but it’s ripped regardless. Apologies can’t reverse years of damage. If Jieqiong looks into the mirror, she can see all the cracks along her skin and she’s so close to inevitably falling apart.

 

The sound of the door swinging open is her cue to leave. As she heads over to grab her phone, she makes eye contact with Yoojung, one of the girls in her class, and forces a smile to come onto her face.

 

If there’s anything Jieqiong has mastered in all her years of life, it’s being able to smile and pretend like she isn’t falling apart at the seams. She’s mastered the art of making all the broken bits look like they’re whole.

 

Yoojung smiles back at her before turning her head to look at the other girl she’s with, who seems extremely bent on annoying the hell out of her.

 

“You’re an idiot, Doyeon.” Yoojung rolls her eyes and takes her arm off her shoulder.

 

“I’m an idiot, but you love this idiot.” The taller girl, who Jieqiong assumes is Doyeon, flicks the tiny girl’s forehead with a teasing smile.

 

Jieqiong wishes someone loved her. But she isn’t worthy of love. She nowhere near being close and hurts. It hurts because she’s so _so_ lonely. All she ever wanted was to feel like she was loved. But even then, that was too much to ask for.

 

The Chinese girl tries to exit quietly after gathering her things but winces when Yoojung calls out to her as she opens the studio door again. The universe has an awful habit of making her feel miserable.

 

“Bye Jieqiong! See you at Kyungwon’s?”

 

She should probably go. Eunwoo’s counting on her anyway.

 

“Yeah, see you.”

 

The secret to flying is believing that you’re _worthy_ of flying.

Maybe that’s why Jieqiong feels like she’s sinking further into the abyss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to yell at me :')
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> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/hyunhyerims)   
>  [cc](http://curiouscat.me/sanatozakism)


	3. falling through the ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/xb040d3x09up3x2qhwuhjrze7/playlist/3xQIcCirsDyYdXpeewMdHL?si=GS2O1AHXQomFwFDWPPagEg)

Eunwoo hangs around Jieqiong more often, which doesn’t surprise the Chinese girl in the slightest (it isn’t like she could reject her offers of watching movies after getting coffee anyway). 

 

“Are you crying because of Baymax?” She had asked, brows cocking upward as she brings her attention to the brunette. 

 

“N-No…” 

 

Eunwoo cries a lot, she’s come to realize. 

 

“Did you want me to give you a hug?”

 

There’s a pause and a few sniffles before she hears a soft,“. . . yes please.” 

 

Eunwoo is much softer than she appears, she thinks. Given how loud her voice and how loud she is and how energetic she gets, Jieqiong assumed that she was some happy little pill. And in many ways, she is. Although, there’s this overwhelming sense of envy that washes over her like the plague as she watches Eunwoo sob into her shirt. 

 

“It’s just so sad..” the girl in her arms sniffles again, “Baymax sacrificed himself to save everyone.”   


Hugging Eunwoo and trying to comfort her feels a lot like trying to attend to a little puppy. 

“I know it is, Eunwoo.” Jieqiong mutters, “I know.” 

 

How can she do that? How does she so easily show how vulnerable she is without feeling any sort of guilt? 

 

Eunwoo is the kind of person Jieqiong wants to be friends with: she laughs loudly and smiles all the time and never fails to make her laugh. But Eunwoo is also the type of friend she will never deserve. Jieqiong can’t hold onto her, not when everything that she comes into contact with will surely wither away.

 

This is the first time someone hasn’t been more than just a passerby in her life. Jieqiong constantly reminds herself that she doesn’t need anyone, that they’re all better off without her. 

 

_Eunwoo is better off without her._

 

How many more times will she watch people come and go?

 

Unfortunately (and unsurprisingly), she’s admitted to herself that she’s gotten quite fond of Eunwoo; she’s gotten accustomed to the late food runs and cramming for exams together and all the movie nights. 

 

Good people like the girl sobbing in her arms don’t stay for long. Especially not for people like Jieqiong.

  
  


\----

  
  


The weekend rolls by faster than she would like it to and before she knows it, she’s already at the party. Jieqiong didn’t really know what to expect, given that Kyungwon’s parties are always crazy in one way or another, not that she cared too much about that. Currently, all she’s doing is waiting on Eunwoo before entering, seeing as the other girl insisted on heading off to the party together even though Jieqiong’s so sure that she must have other friends that want to go with her. 

 

She stands outside Kyungwon’s door, mindlessly scrolling through the contents of her phone. It isn’t anything useful or important but it’s better to keep herself occupied than not. Her timeline on Instagram fills itself with pictures and videos of people that she just barely recognizes. There’s one photo of a girl with her friends that catches her eye. Was her name Chaeyeon? Chaeyoung? Jieqiong doesn’t really remember. 

 

“Hey, How long have you been waiting?” Eunwoo’s voice pulls her out of her own thoughts, causing her to look in the said girl’s direction.

 

“A century,” she jokes, watching as the brunette rolls her eyes. 

 

“I didn’t take that long, drama queen.”

 

“Well, it certainly felt like a century.”

 

“Whatever, let’s just go inside.”

 

The sound of music could be heard from outside and it didn’t get any better once they entered Kyungwon’s house. Maybe it’s the music, maybe it’s the overwhelming amount of people, but Eunwoo sticks closer to Jieqiong. 

 

Copious amounts of people within closed spaces stopped bothering Jieqiong once she started going to these sorts of “gatherings” but for someone like Eunwoo, she can see how all of that can become a little… too much. 

 

In order to move through the crowds, Eunwoo has to stand in front and lead her through. Thankfully, (despite all the pushing and shoving) they make it to the kitchen where Jieqiong sees three other girls waiting for them. One of them is blonde and talking animatedly to a girl with darker, almost greyish blue hair. However, the one that really catches her eye is the tallest one who’s listening in. 

 

She isn’t sure what it is about her that makes her want to keep staring. This mystery girl is, in fact, the only one with a natural hair color out of the three: it’s black and cascades down her shoulders. Jieqiong blinks, finds herself needing to do a double-take because there’s no way someone can look that pretty. 

 

The stranger sports an off-shoulder top with black skinny jeans that make her somehow look even taller than she already is (it also makes her legs look really good but that isn’t the point--). Her lips are glossed with a light pink and her face is small but it’s adorable and she can’t help but smile a little. 

 

Jieqiong has been with a lot of people before but this girl easily has to be one of the prettiest girls she’s ever seen. 

 

However, she breaks her gaze away from the enticing girl when Eunwoo strides over towards them. “What’s up bitches?”

 

The blonde lightly shoves Eunwoo, one of them lets out a laugh, and the mystery girl smiles. Jieqiong feels her chest tighten. 

 

All three of them talk a little before noticing her presence. 

 

“Who’s that?” the blonde pipes up, tilting her head in Jieqiong’s direction.

 

Eunwoo beams, “Oh! This is my friend, Jieqiong.” 

 

“So, _you’re_ Jieqiong..”

 

“Uh, yeah. That’s me.” Oh? Do they know her?

 

“I’m Kang Yaebin, English major, nice to meet you.” the blo-- Yaebin, says with a dorky two-fingered salute. “Eunwoo talks about you a lot.”

 

“Shhh” Eunwoo practically slaps a hand over Yaebin’s mouth and sends an embarrassed smile toward Jieqiong. 

 

Before Jieqiong can really think about it, one of the other girls snorts. 

 

“Ignore those dorks,” Yaebin and Eunwoo glare at her but she seems unbothered. “The name’s Kim Minkyung--business major.” 

 

“It’s cool. I don’t mind.” Jieqiong chuckles. “It’s nice to meet you both too.” 

 

And finally, it’s time. Looking over at the ‘mystery girl’, she locks eyes with her and Jieqiong swears she’s never seen such a neutral expression.

 

“Im Nayoung. I’m a music major. It’s nice to meet you.” 

 

_Im Nayoung._

 

“Nayoung,” Jieqiong repeats her name with a nod. She can’t help but like the way it rolls off of her tongue. Im Nayoung. It feels.. fitting for her. It has a weirdly elegant charm and maybe it’s working a little _too_ well on her. 

 

It takes a second for her to realize that she hadn’t said anything other than Nayoung’s name because everyone is staring and she finds herself feeling embarrassed. 

 

She clears her throat. “I’m Zhou Jieqiong, your local dance major. It’s nice to meet you.”

 

Local dance major? Really? She’s not even local. The moment the words leave her mouth, she wants to facepalm. 

 

Everyone else doesn’t seem to mind though. In fact, it gets a few chuckles out of Eunwoo and Yaebin. Minkyung grins and starts talking about the current state of the party not too long afterward. Even Nayoung laughs a little, which makes Jieqiong feel accomplished. 

 

“This party seems even louder than the last one. Kyungwon outdid herself with this one.” Minkyung comments after taking a sip of her own drink.

 

“Yeah, the parties are always crazy but,” Yaebin looks at the large crowd, “tonight is a whole different level.” 

 

As the conversation continues, Jieqiong finds herself stealing a few glances at Nayoung after Minkyung and Eunwoo had grabbed drinks for all of them.

 

“What’s the best way to eat cereal? Cereal first or milk?” Yaebin had asked with a smug grin, watching Eunwoo look at Minkyung with offense.

 

“Milk first? I expected so much more from you, Minkyung.” Eunwoo whines, looking unusually distraught by the said girl’s response to the question.

 

In the midst of this, Jieqiong looked over to see Nayoung’s reaction only to make brief eye contact and freeze. 

 

A small smile is sent her way and she tries (emphasis on the word tries) to avert her eyes quick enough to make it seem as though she wasn’t looking but ends up coughing when she feels her breath hitch. 

 

Weird. 

 

(Jieqiong pushes the edge of a red solo cup to her lips and tilts it back for a long gulp of her drink after that.)

  
  


\----

  
  


Everyone knows that Kyungwon’s parties, like many others, are extremely chaotic. And typically, Jieqiong can handle that. However, after about 10 minutes into the whole ‘partying’ aspect of the event, she finds herself needing to step out for air. There were too many people trying to either talk to her or accidentally pushing up against her.

 

Tonight, it felt like too much. She’d much rather be up here than be suffocated by all the people.

 

The air is crisp and cool against Jieqiong’s skin when she enters the rooftop, a nice change from how hot it had been downstairs. Thankfully, no one seemed to be up here at the moment. 

 

One of the perks (or downfalls) of being at Kyungwon’s place so much is finding secluded areas like this.

 

They say that the more you think, the more negative your thoughts become. Jieqiong finds herself hitting this point way too often.

 

It’s moments like now, where she stares up into the sky and sees the bright stars twinkling in the night sky above, that make her wonder what it would be like if she suddenly went under.

 

Compared to other people, she knows that her life is better than most, knows that there would be some people who would kill to be where she is or be able to have the opportunities within her grasp. Like many other things, it only makes her spiral even further. 

 

She should be happy. She should be grateful. Why can’t she be grateful? Why can’t she look at her life and be okay? 

 

The city is buzzing and crawling with activity and life but she can’t find it in herself to rejoice or be happy that she’s here. 

 

It feels like everything threatens to swallow her whole. It feels like everything is slowly starting to cave in. Because no matter what Jieqiong does, all she can do is watch as the sea of insecurities and doubts and worries all close in and drown her, little by litt--

 

“Hey.”

 

The waters stop.

 

A soft greeting forces her to get a grip on herself and turn around only to see the one person that she’s been attempting to avoid all night.

 

“Nayoung?” She can’t help but tilt her head in confusion. 

 

“Mind if I join you?”

 

Jieqiong nods dumbly as she watches Nayoung approach and sit down next to her on the ledge. 

 

Silence fills the air as both of them look at the view of bright lights in the city and the stars illuminating the sky above. Although, as cheesy as it sounds, Jieqiong really thinks that the girl beside her is the view. 

 

Nayoung’s appearance puts the stars to shame: she’s absolutely breath-taking. Sitting here with her makes her look even more beautiful (if that was even possible) but Jieqiong can’t afford to look for too long because she might get caught again. 

 

That thought on its own is enough to make her cheeks flush a little so they sit in silence. The only thing that could be heard is the faint sound of music coming from below them.

 

Unsurprisingly, Nayoung is the first one to speak up. 

 

“I didn’t think I’d find you up here, honestly. Eunwoo said you were more into this kind of thing.” 

 

“Oh!” _Shit._ “I-- uh-- just needed some fresh air. That’s all.” Yikes. 

 

Jieqiong absolutely hates how awkward she’s acting and feeling. She’s been smooth and confident with other people before, so why is Nayoung any different?

 

“I understand. I guess I wasn’t the only one who felt a little overwhelmed by the party then.”

 

Overwhelmed? Nayoung didn’t look anywhere near that at all.

 

“Ah, yeah. At least the view is really pretty up here.”

 

The faint music coming from beneath them is all just white noise now. 

 

“That’s true,” Nayoung nods her head in agreement. “I was really just here for the stars though.”

 

Jieqiong sees the way the taller girl seems to brighten up when she talks about the sky and begins to explain why she prefers the night in comparison to the morning or afternoon. Jieqiong hears how soft and calming Nayoung’s voice is and she feels like she could listen to it for the rest of her life.

 

“Did you seriously never watch Totoro?” Jieqiong had asked in shock. “You’re friends with Eunwoo, how has she not forced you to watch it?” 

 

“Eunwoo usually does that stuff with you and Yaebin, I guess?”

 

“We have to watch it then. Totoro is such a classic. Please tell me that you’ve at least watched Ponyo or Spirited Away.”

 

The look of confusion on Nayoung’s face was adorable. 

 

“Oh my god, you totally haven’t.” 

 

“Does this mean that we’ll have to watch it together then?”

 

“I mean, yeah.” Talking with Nayoung feels easy now that the tense air was gone. The words flow out of Jieqiong’s mouth naturally and she swears that she temporarily forgets about all her problems when they converse. “Only if you want to though.”

 

“Of course I do. It’d be lame of me to say no when you’re the one who introduced it to me.”

 

Nayoung smiles at her and she swears that it has to be the prettiest thing she has ever seen because her chest tightens and her breath gets caught in her throat again. 

 

Uh oh. 

 

Jieqiong stares out at the city lights again and exhales because that oddly sounds like a promise and she’s never been too fond of those. 

 

But it’s becoming increasingly hard to say no or disagree with the girl next to her when she smiles at her like  _that_ because it gives her hope.

 

It makes her think that maybe Nayoung won’t be another person that slips through her fingertips like sand.

 

“It’s a deal then.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long to update this. i think pristin's disbandment really took away some of my motivation for this fic which is why it took some time to get this chapter up. despite all of that, i'll still be supporting all of the girls in their individual activities and hopefully continuing this fic until the end.
> 
> thank you for reading everything so far! 
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/hyunhyerims)   
>  [cc](http://curiouscat.me/sanatozakism)


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